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城裏有

我的心裏有座城,城裏住著一個未亡人。她躲我在牆下,讓我只能在月光下成為一道冷冷的雲影。多希望孟薑女能從狂沙中蘇醒,睜開眼,用被時間所腐朽的枯骨擦幹我的眼淚。我也想在淒清的荒野上奔跑,把身體鍛煉成一樽不懼風吹雨打的塑像,供那些被情愛所傷的人們驅使。我願意為他們攀上孟薑女的眼角,然後隨著純淨的情淚向溫柔的夢鄉滑落,成為牡丹花魂裏那縷淡淡的芳香。
  陽光從我的指間穿過,誰的憂傷爬上了我的記憶之巔,給了我一個響亮的耳光。我的雙耳嗡嗡直響,再也聽不見空穀裏傳來的天籟之音。曾經以為自己只要躲在牆下,便可以拿起那根枯黃的牧笛,輕聲的吹奏那些城裏風雨歲月。沒有人告訴我,暴風雨將至。也沒有一只有力的手推倒高高的牆,將我從生死線上拯救下來。就算那堵高高的牆將我掩埋,我也無怨無悔,權當那是我今生的救贖。我不知我前世犯了什麼樣的罪,也許是偷窺了你的美,也許是我將你的美撕碎。這些,我在前世和今生的輪回中都沒有看到,所有我只能俯下身,憐憫自己那些散落的身影。
  一直都希望有雙眼?透過那堵牆,偷偷地注視我的一切舉動,但那只是一種錯覺。因為這種錯覺,我一直以為牆後有個人,她在紅樓中為我哭泣,為我啼笑。如今,她的影子只剩下一個透明的輪廓,將我的心房囚禁。其實,我寧願相信她是存在,只是以一種隱形的方式寄生在我的意識中。很多次,我在夢中欲翻過城裏的那堵牆,欲一睹你面紗下的那張臉龐。可牆太高,我的指甲不能深入厚厚的牆中。我的用力攀援著,每一次都跌的頭破血流。真想大聲的哭喊,可嘶啞的咽喉不能叫出你的名字。
  我四處尋找,以為丟失了你的名字,以為自己忘記了你的樣貌。走遍天涯和海角,依然沒有你的一點消息,我像只迷路的歸鳥獨自躲在高枝上啼鳴,直到嘴裏溢出了絲絲血液時,才想起你住在我的心裏。我的臉上現出愜意的笑容,暗自猜想你現在正背著一捆柴薪,從小樹林走出,然後走進空空的閨房,拿出那張秀娟,用細長的針慢慢的繡著某個人的名字。時間太久,距離太遠,我的視線有些模糊,那看不見的名字使我整日精神恍惚。終於有一天,你站在瀟湘館裏,搖扶著竹影,等待誰的到來。我踮起腳尖,期盼你焦急的眼神中能衍生出我落寞的身影,可你的嘴唇緊閉,沒有為久久的等候而抱怨隻字片語。我似乎已經明白了,醒悟的我拾起你的情,在地上畫了一座牢。然後走進牢中,成為你精神上的奴隸。
  也曾想過掏空自己的心,將你的名字遺忘在無數個想你的夢裏。可每當我準備打開你留下的心鎖時,你就突然浮現在我腦海裏,用柔情和蜜語將我神志麻痹。我仿佛突然失去了自我,兩眼只剩下你攝人心魄的顰笑。你瀟灑的轉身,把我一個人留在了冷清的牢中。我雙手抓住牢籠,你的婀娜的身姿變得像根細長的線一樣,將我再次束縛。於是,失望的我暗暗地握緊拳頭,對天發誓:此生不再與你相見。
  時間從我蝸行的人生路上流過,它們流的是那麼的慢,以致於我可以在上面踩出許多腳印。我要用那些腳印告訴你:你的世界,我曾經來過。不希望感動,也不祈求你的同情,只想自己一個人徘徊在現在與過去,回憶那些點點滴滴。不想哭泣,眼淚並不能衝開你的心門。不想傷心,因為我知道,雲散後,月會明。
  假如沒有傷痕,那揪心的痛處又來自何處?就算人世不再有情愛,也請你允許我在城裏的那堵牆後念著你的名字,然後安然的跳下那堵牆,走進你心裏的那座城。即使與你不能相遇,我也可以沿著你的生活軌跡,找到繼續活下去的意義。
  不必為我擔心,失去了你,我只是少了一些記憶。如果我忘記了你,我則丟失了一座城,塌了一堵牆。即使城破人亡,我也要守住城裏的那堵牆,因為我相信,你正在牆後收藏我的憂傷。

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